The 7 stages of AFCCA—From a Parent in the Trenches
By An Adopt4Life Community Parent
It was probably the 4th or 5th time we had to call the crisis line, desperate for support, when I realized that this wasn’t just a bad day… or a child with sensory overload…or just “bad parenting” as we’d been told so many times before. We were living with a child who was violent, and we were at risk.
I remember going through the stages of grief:
Shock—Was this really happening?
Did my once happy, cuddly little boy truly want to kill us? The first time he attempted to stab me, we didn’t call 911…he was just a little boy right? This can’t really be happening.
Denial—He’ll grow out of it.
This is happening because of his time in care, he’s experienced trauma. With enough love, we can fix this. We just need to change his diet, give him a little more attention, it really isn’t THAT bad.
Anger—Is this really my new life?
No one believes us; all the professionals keep telling us we’re doing everything right. Why can’t he just stop? My attachment to him is starting to dwindle. We are walking on eggshells, and I hate this.
Bargaining—Maybe if we just…
Maybe if we aren’t so strict, it’ll be ok. We just need to be a bit more flexible. We’ll be ok…right? We can’t call CAS because they will for sure take him away. We’ll be ok…
Depression—This isn’t getting better.
I can’t live my life like this. We are putting our other kids at risk. I hate this. No one is helping us.
Testing—Someone must be able to help.
We’re looking for ideas outside of the box. We keep telling people we are in crisis. We’ve called CAS and told them we weren’t safe, that we needed crisis supports in place urgently or face adoption breakdown.
Acceptance—Love is not enough.
Our friends and family will never fully know what it is like living with Aggression towards Family/Caregivers in Childhood & Adolescence. This is not a phase. We will keep sounding the alarms until someone helps, validates, and supports us. We are living with AFCCA.
Our battle with AFCCA is ongoing. We have learned skills; some that help, some that didn’t. We are no longer afraid to call CAS and 911 weekly. We know that our son’s behaviours don’t define his love for us, something that was very hard to accept.
We have reached out to a small group of fellow warrior families who are going through this same journey. We know that we aren’t alone, that with every call we make, we are a part of the bigger voice for so many families who are still too scared to speak up. Your battle is my battle. We are in this together. We are #strongertogether.
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not necessarily represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations and ongoing learning. Adopt4Life is working to bring awareness to the issues surrounding Aggression toward Family & Caregivers in Childhood and Adolescence (AFCCA) and the critical supports required for families and children. It is important to share the real experiences of parents and their children as they seek to maintain healthy and lasting attachments, while also keeping their families safe. Find out how to share your story.