I have become the parent I was meant to be

By An Adopt4Life Community Parent

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." This quote by Maya Angelou is one of my favorites.  

We adopted our child just over 12 years ago and began this journey with a realistic view and an open mind, not expecting rainbows, unicorns and glitter. We suspected FASD early on and soon realized raising this child was going to be extremely challenging. We were not first-time parents and could honestly say we did a pretty good job raising our other children. But this was going to be a very different ride…

Several years in, I became the parent I never wanted to be. There was anger and aggression in our home, there was unhappiness, there was a lot of hurt and anxiety. This was not how this was supposed to go. I was more than willing to parent a child with struggles but doing so with no support while trying to work and be a parent to our other children was exhausting. Our lives had completely changed, physically, emotionally and socially. My child’s basic needs were met but we were far from thriving. There would be two instances where things would start to turn around.

They say when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. These moments I wish I could take back. These moments of raw pain, desperation and absolute hopelessness. I think my rock bottom forced me to change the way I looked at each day. The saying, ‘not every day is good but there is good in every day’ spoke to me and I began to look at the days in percentages. Soon, the percentage of positive moments began to overshadow the negative. Small steps, little by little.  

Another turning point was getting our child’s FASD diagnosis. After struggling for more than five years to get help, we finally found two professionals who listened. This led us to a diagnosis, and although it was no surprise, it was validation of what we already knew. It opened a few more doors but more importantly, it provided an explanation to the education system that had already failed our child so many times. It confirmed that their brain needed to be looked at differently and provided tangible information on how to adapt the world around them.  

For a child with FASD, adjusting expectations is absolutely life changing. Our child and our family went from being in survival mode, to slowly recovering, to now thriving (almost). The anger and aggression in our home has been replaced by hugs and impromptu dance parties. We still have moments of struggle and parenting a child with FASD will never be easy, but we now have time and energy for some of the fun stuff in life.  And I have become the parent I was meant to be. 

The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.