The Truth Behind Self-Care
By Cindy Stewart, Regional Parent Liaison, Adopt4Life
When I think about all the buzz word of the past ten years, I’m hard pressed to find one more used than “self-care.” I bet this word did not exist when I was younger, and now everywhere I look it’s given as a prescription to people facing basically any challenge.
So, what is “Self-Care” exactly?
From what I gather from advertising and Facebook memes, self-care, can refer to a whole host of activities:
Taking a bubble bath
Participating in an exercise class
Making time to meditate
Eating a particular food, or diet
Carving out time for myself
While any of these activities could potentially be enjoyable, and all are likely good for my health, not one of them leaves me feeling “taken care of.” On top of that, NOT being able to check these things off my weekly “to-do” list causes me to feel worse than I did before.
I know I’m not alone in reporting that taking time for my “self-care,” often, is followed by escalated behaviours, dysregulated family members and a gigantic mess (both literally and figuratively) to clean up. It seems to me that often the way to take care of my self is to choose NOT to participate in the very activities prescribed as “self-care.”
That said, time and time again, my inner voice, and many outer voices keep telling me what I know must be true. We as parents, particularly those of us parenting neurodiverse children and children from difficult beginnings, NEED to take care of ourselves if we are going to be able to take care of those who are counting on us.
So, where does “self-care” miss the mark?
Here is what I’ve come to realize as the truth behind self-care:
YES: Self-Care is important, perhaps the most important.
YES: Self-Care can include taking a bubble bath, participating in an exercise class, or eating healthy.
BUT: Taking care of our body is not enough to take care of our “selves.” If taking care of our body comes at a cost to our mind, or our spirit, then NO: That is not self-care. In fact, it is just the opposite.
Where the concept of “self-care” has missed the mark is in the idea that our body, is our “self.” When in fact, our body, is just one part of our selves.
These days, in order to take care of myself, I do so within my own mind. I’ve made a conscious effort to talk to myself like I would my best friend. When my children tell me they hate me, I tell myself they simply have no filter. When I feel like a failure, I tell myself I’m trying my best. When the kids won’t behave, I tell myself it’s not a reflection on me.
For many years I was harder on myself than anyone else in the world. The things I said to myself in my mind were more hurtful than anything I would say to my worst enemy. Being mindful of this, and constantly working to change the way I speak to myself, or about myself, has been the number one most helpful way I’ve participated in self-care. It has made the biggest difference for my mental health.
Though it is not always easy, in fact it’s an ongoing work of progress, it is always accessible. I can do it while parenting. I can do it while cleaning. I can do it while working. I don’t have to separate from those that need me present in order to attune to my own self-talk.
Many times, I’ve said to people at a funeral or in a hospital room: “Take care of yourself.” I suspect if each of us contemplate what exactly is meant by that, we will find the key to our own gentle self-care for this upcoming New Year.
The opinions expressed in blogs posted reflect their author and do not represent any official stance of Adopt4Life. We respect the diversity of opinions within the adoption, kinship and customary care community and hope that these posts will stimulate meaningful conversations.
